I think this article, by Marc Weiszer, of the Athens Banner-Herald, needs a little work. The article is about Tampa’s Plant High School’s tight end, Orson Charles, and his decision about where to play football in college.
There are a lot of interesting facts in the article, like the description of the 6-foot-3, 225-pound Charles and the inclusion of the fact that, in 1980, Herschel Walker waited until Easter to make his decision; I think the article would be more clear if some of them were in a different order.
The lead, with the included fact about Walker, is interesting, but I don't think that it's the best way to start the story. I would prefer a more straightforward lead, so that readers who are not avid sports fans know right from the start what the article is about. Perhaps the second and third graphs could be combined to produce a better lead, or another option would be to just add into the current lead what Charles is making his decision about.
There is also a graph toward the end of the article, which states that Charles was supposed to visit Southern Cal over the weekend but took the ACT instead, that I think would fit better if it was moved up a few graphs in the story. The statement is placed in the part of the story that talks about Charles’ friends influencing his decision, and I think it would be better placed after the third graph, which states that Charles leaves for Sothern California on Feb. 20.
According to the article, Charles is choosing between playing at Georgia, Florida, Tennessee and USC.
I think that the names of the schools being considered by Charles should be in AP style, instead Weiszer simply names the state, and assumes the reader will know what schools he is talking about.
Although I understand Weiszer’s possible reason for shortening the names, the fact that perhaps most of the Banner-Herald’s readers are familiar with these schools because of the large influence UGA’s sports program has on the community, I think that it would be more clear if he had used the full name of the school.
I believe that Weizser means the University of Georgia, University of Florida, University of Tennessee, and University of Southern California, but I can’t be sure because it isn’t actually stated.
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Rene',
ReplyDeleteYou make a good point about the lead in this story -- it could be clearer, even for folks who are familiar with Herschel Walker's recruitment history. Your suggestion of combining the second and third paragraphs for a better lead might work -- you'd help us out if you took the next step and provided an example of how to do it. Don't be shy about quoting the material you're referencing, or about demonstrating how to rewrite it.
As for the question of identifying the schools Charles is considering, don't let concern for the rules get in the way of clarity. Newspapers follow local style as well as AP style, and in the context of a sports story like this, Tennessee, Florida and Georgia are almost certainly clear enough for most readers. Adding the "University of's" in this case might just slow the story down.
Wow that lead definitely has a lot to it. I find it interesting that the reporter started off with “at least.” To me, that is a phrase you use after an introductory sentence, not as one.
ReplyDeleteIt also seems like some of the wording is off when the reporter tries to explain what is going on. (Ex: "I'm going to call them (Monday night)," Charles said Monday afternoon of Georgia's coaches.)
I completely agree with you that the lead (as well as other parts of the article) should be constructed so that people who are not avid sports fans can understand what is going on. I’ve heard in previous classes that this tends to be a recurring issue in sports writing. It is so narrowly written that unless the reader is an avid sports fan, they sometimes won’t understand some of the jargon that gets thrown around. I think it goes back to what we talked about in class where you can get so close to a story and not realize the average reader doesn’t understand what you’re saying.
I agree with you that this article needed a little more editing before being printed (or put on the Web).